16 February 2010

Mr. Blood's Morbid Review: "Paranormal Activity"

Paranormal Craptivity

I sat down in my favorite blood soaked recliner in the darkest part of my secret abode and started to watch Paranormal Activity. This movie needs to be set ablaze, burned to ashes, and FORGOTTEN!! I saw previews for this movie on T.V. showing all these scared people in theaters. This movie didn't even have enough scare in it to scare a small child. Hell, for that matter an infant. If you found this movie scary then you are a weak minded fool whom I might visit to show you what real fear is. This movie couldn't even keep the interest of a small child. This felt way too planed out to be scary. This movie lacked pretty much everything that makes a movie scary. There was no suspense, no BLOOD, no GORE!! Not only was there a major lack of the things I just listed but the movie was also slow as hell. I have watched the blood of my victims dry faster than it took to get through this movie. And I do not care about the whole boyfriend and girlfriend shit that they dump down your throat the whole movie. Who really gives a shit. The whole time I watched all this crap all I wanted to do is kill the both of them dead with a very small hammer. That way they could feel the agony that I had to endure while watching their pile of SHIT movie. Another thing, while I love to see a crying woman I do not care to see that all she does is cry. I really like them to have at least a little fight. It makes for a better kill. After saying all of this there were a few good parts to the movie that I really did like. One, although I do see this as sacrilegious, the burning of the Ouija Board. I do love fire very much. Second, the alternate ending. The alternate ending should have been the only ending. She takes out the boyfriend then herself. And of course all of the wonderful blood you get to see running from her sweet neck. The only thing that could have been better to me is if I had done the cut to that pretty little neck of hers myself. MMMMMMMMMMM. Now back to this shit, fuck-storm of a movie. How the hell you can call this a scary movie I don't know. All in all this movie fucking sucked and not vampire sucked. More like bad blow job sucked. This movie would have been much better 10 years ago on the heels of The Blair Witch Project. On the Blood-Ometer, I give this movie 1/2 a drop.

Paranormal Activity


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