03 September 2013

Donnie Rants: Toilet Paper

While Donnie is usually the premier source for class and integrity, he feels the need to lower his standards to address a problematic issue: Bath tissue. Call the stuff what you want, "toilet paper", "butt wipe", "catcher of the berries dingle", whatever. This invention is something that should not be taken for granted, and something we should not be without. Bathroom tissue makers know this, so they charge INSANE amounts of money for something that you literally wipe your fart shooter with. What's worse than being taken to the cleaners by toilet paper manufacturers? Donnie will tell ya. Inept interns, that's what. Donnie will explain how they are related. It all went down like this:

Donnie, along with a couple other Gimme Your Hand Freakz had a meeting here at the office. Donnie's lunch of three bean salad and a high-fiber prune muffin didn't sit well, so he hurried off to the restroom as fast as one can without allowing one's legs to move more than three centimeters apart at a time. It was like butt-chugging a keg of beer while doing the march of the penguins... without losing a drop.

Donnie made it to the restroom without any visible scars. As Donnie felt beads of sweat collecting on his handsome brow, and the biggest smile of relief stretching his sexy face, he glanced to his left to find the unthinkable. Some ignorant mouth-breather forgot to replace the toilet paper. There was none to be found. At this point, someone with less self respect would have plucked off a sock, and worked the field dry. Not Donnie. Donnie has interns, so he yelled for the the nearest gopher, and ordered him the the convenience store down the road to fetch some much needed pucker scrubber.

Luckily, Donnie had his MP3 player with him, so the soothing sounds of Hanson's "Mmm Bop" kept him company for the fifteen minutes it took for the intern to return with... with... with THIS abomination (see photo to the right). Donnie asked our "Random Nice Guy" why, when asked to bring back BATHROOM TISSUE, he would buy a four pack of heavy duty anal bleeders. Nice Guy responded, "A four pack of the soft stuff costs $8.00, and I could only afford this. It was $1.29." Awesome. He may as well have just handed Donnie a Brillo pad... and maybe afterwards he could have topped Donnie off with a few drops of lemon juice down the ol' crack-a-roonie. Donnie LOVES that this product is called "Velvet", yet it could sand the rust off an old chrome bumper. We'd be better off scrapin' out our dirties with an old broken stick. Donnie won't go into the details any further, but you can rest assured the end result was nothing short of dastardly.

What's the point off all of this? Is Donnie blowing off steam the whole purpose of this article? Pretty much. But Donnie likes to learn something from his life experiences, and if Donnie had to take something away from this whole ordeal, it would be this - We need to pay our interns more? Eff no. Donnie has learned that toilet paper companies need to stop one-cheek-sneakin' us. Drop the ridiculous prices for something that only exists to be crammed deep into a filthy turd cutter, and ONLY make SOFT, QUALITY tissue. No more of this shrapnel on a roll. After all, the next time you burp out a butt baby, wouldn't it be nice to slap something between your cakes without any permanent damage?

Later, turds.


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