Donnie Rants: Toilet Paper

While Donnie is usually the premier source for class and integrity, he feels the need to lower his standards to address a problematic issue: Bath tissue. Call the stuff what you want, "toilet paper", "butt wipe", "catcher of the berries dingle", whatever. This invention is something that should not be taken for granted, and something we should not be without. Bathroom tissue makers know this, so they charge INSANE amounts of money for something that you literally wipe your fart shooter with. What's worse than being taken to the cleaners by toilet paper manufacturers? Donnie will tell ya. Inept interns, that's what. Donnie will explain how they are related. It all went down like this:

Donnie, along with a couple other Gimme Your Hand Freakz had a meeting here at the office. Donnie's lunch of three bean salad and a high-fiber prune muffin didn't sit well, so he hurried off to the restroom as fast as one can without allowing one's legs to move more than three centimeters apart at a time. It was like butt-chugging a keg of beer while doing the march of the penguins... without losing a drop.

Donnie made it to the restroom without any visible scars. As Donnie felt beads of sweat collecting on his handsome brow, and the biggest smile of relief stretching his sexy face, he glanced to his left to find the unthinkable. Some ignorant mouth-breather forgot to replace the toilet paper. There was none to be found. At this point, someone with less self respect would have plucked off a sock, and worked the field dry. Not Donnie. Donnie has interns, so he yelled for the the nearest gopher, and ordered him the the convenience store down the road to fetch some much needed pucker scrubber.

Luckily, Donnie had his MP3 player with him, so the soothing sounds of Hanson's "Mmm Bop" kept him company for the fifteen minutes it took for the intern to return with... with... with THIS abomination (see photo to the right). Donnie asked our "Random Nice Guy" why, when asked to bring back BATHROOM TISSUE, he would buy a four pack of heavy duty anal bleeders. Nice Guy responded, "A four pack of the soft stuff costs $8.00, and I could only afford this. It was $1.29." Awesome. He may as well have just handed Donnie a Brillo pad... and maybe afterwards he could have topped Donnie off with a few drops of lemon juice down the ol' crack-a-roonie. Donnie LOVES that this product is called "Velvet", yet it could sand the rust off an old chrome bumper. We'd be better off scrapin' out our dirties with an old broken stick. Donnie won't go into the details any further, but you can rest assured the end result was nothing short of dastardly.

What's the point off all of this? Is Donnie blowing off steam the whole purpose of this article? Pretty much. But Donnie likes to learn something from his life experiences, and if Donnie had to take something away from this whole ordeal, it would be this - We need to pay our interns more? Eff no. Donnie has learned that toilet paper companies need to stop one-cheek-sneakin' us. Drop the ridiculous prices for something that only exists to be crammed deep into a filthy turd cutter, and ONLY make SOFT, QUALITY tissue. No more of this shrapnel on a roll. After all, the next time you burp out a butt baby, wouldn't it be nice to slap something between your cakes without any permanent damage?

Later, turds.

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Fountain-Falling Dumbass May Seek Legal Action

Cathy Cruz Marrero became an "unwilling" star when a video of her falling into a mall fountain while texting was posted to YouTube. The video has been viewed well over a million times, and Cathy is not pleased.

Marrero showed up on ABC's "Good Morning America" with her attorney to hint at a possible lawsuit. She cried, "Nobody went to my aid" after falling into the fountain. Yeah, folks. This is what America has come to. You get to sue a mall because you are a dumb ass. Ms. Cathy probably wouldn't have fallen into the fountain if she wasn't walking and texting at the same time. She also said she was embarrassed after the fall, and didn't want anyone to know it was her in the video. Well, going on national television to let the world know it was, indeed, you who fell, was a stellar idea. She even tried to get sympathy points for explaining the text message she was sending was to a fellow church member. Well, you have to ask yourself... what would Jesus do? He probably wouldn't be texting at all, but if The Lord did send a Holy text, he would probably stand still, or sit on one of those benches that malls have sitting next to the fountain, as to avoid a dangerous mishap. Or maybe the water would part, and Jesus would walk safely through to the other side, oblivious to the watery hazard he just avoided. But that's Jesus. Cathy Marrero ain't the Jesus.

No, Cathy Cruz Marrero isn't really a saint at all. She was charged in October of 2009 for allegedly using a coworker's credit card to rack up $5,000 worth of charges. Marrero may face up to six months of house arrest, and electronic monitoring. Damn, too bad she didn't fall in the fountain while wearing one of those electronic bracelets. Imagine how many hits THAT video would get.

Don't feel sorry for Cathy in the least. We don't. The way America works now, this stupid broad will end up with her own reality show within a year.

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Donnie Rants: "Rice Dream" Shenanigans

Today was a long effin' day, and rather than get into all the intricate details, Donnie will just rant about one of the day's incidents in particular. Rice mother-humpin' Dream. Just the name of this rice-based imitation dairy dessert makes Donnie want to slap someone upside the nuts with the business side of his hand. But, since Donnie is lactose intolerant, and because the weather was hotter than a Republican at a Gay Pride Parade, Donnie decided to swing by his local health food store and pick up a fake ice cream bar. A single "chocolate" and nut covered vanilla Rice Dream bar set Donnie back about $1.50 U.S. dollars. While some folks may enjoy the smooth texture of the vanilla filling, or the crispy carob ("fake" chocolate) coating, or even a mouth full of nuts *giggle*, Donnie found this so-called treat, not so awesome. To Donnie, it kind of tasted like it had been stored away in a musty old attic, trapped in the poop-shoot of some 86-year-old dust farter.

Now, Donnie doesn't condone eating and driving, but he was munching away at this ass on a stick while he was ripping up the road with his spiky hair dancing in the wind. Donnie realized there was no way he was going to finish it, so he put the thing back in it's wrapper to chuck it out later on. Then Donnie noticed the nutrition facts for this little gem. Holy. Friggin'. Crap. All Donnie can say is, if you are trying to eat healthy, this is NOT the food for you. Non-dairy does not mean low fat. Donnie will have to do several extra Squat-Thrusts just to work off the couple of bites that experienced the immaculate joy that is Donnie's mouth.

Well, Donnie had a few places to go, so when he reached his destination, he parked the auto, dismissed the Rice Dream Bar, and buried it in a trash bag. When Donnie got back to his car, he noticed there was a huge brown streak on his car seat. Sure enough, that fake Rice Dream chocolate had broken apart and was smeared all over the place. And of course, that could mean only one thing... Donnie swung himself around in a fancy yoga pose that would make Madonna jealous (not the pointy-boob whore from the 80's, Donnie means the current Crypt Keeper looking whore from today), and there Donnie finds a smushy, turd-lookin' blob prominently displayed on his sweet tooter. Yup. Walkin' around all day with what looked like a violent case of the wicked sharts. Well played, Rice Dream. Well played indeed.

"Vogue...Vogue...Vogue...Vogue..."

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Donnie Rants: Awesome Kong, Arizona, WWE and Gay Archie

Lately, Donnie has been thinking a lot about how ignorant society has become. Why do so many people seem to lack common sense? For instance, Donnie has always thought that offshore drilling was just plain stupid. Why wrap up so much time and money in trying to find oil, when you could use those efforts in developing clean, renewable energy? Steam-powered cars have been around for over a hundred years. Solar-powered cars have been around since at least the seventies. You're telling Donnie we can watch a movie on our cell phones, but we can't improve on hundred year old technology to make it relevant for today? Bull snot! It's all about big business, big oil companies, and the selfish politicians who would rather hold us back than earn an honest living. Newsflash, dingus, offshore drilling is costing us lives, and is adding to the deterioration of the environment. To all the idiots who laughed at Donnie when he said the drilling was a bad idea, Donnie TOLD YOU SO. The recent gulf oil spill proves it. Do you have any idea how much of a burden it is to Donnie to ALWAYS BE RIGHT? We would all save so much time and energy if we just took Donnie's views as a given, as the be-all end-all of correctness and logic.

Another thing that makes no sense is the Immigration Law that some inbred, hickity-hick hillbillies in Arizona just passed. They are forcing people who look Hispanic to "show them their papers". How the FLUFF is this not RACIST? Of course, they say it's not a form of racial profiling, and that the utmost care will be exercised when asking individuals to prove their citizenship. What a load of crap. It's just another way for rich, racist, wastes of sperm to promote their agenda. You know who else used to ask people for their papers when they feared those people were different than them? NAZIS. Yeah, Donnie said it.

At least the folks at Archie Comics are taking a step toward equality. So, Donnie has to give them wicked, mad-phat props for that. Archie Comics is set to debut their first openly gay character, Kevin Keller. And he's supposed to be a real person, not one of those ridiculous stereotypes that exist in "reality" television, and in the minds of pathetic losers who think all gay people are abominations who will rot in hell. Disney is also trying to even the playing field by creating the first male "Tinkerbell" on their online gaming / social networking site, Pixie Hollow. Now, maybe dudes won't have to keep their Pixie fix a secret. Who is Donnie kiddin'? Donnie would still slap the ever-lovin' BE-JE-JE out of anyone on that site. Bring it on, fairy farts!

And now Donnie has to ask, what the eff happened to WWE? You have A guy who was getting a decent push, Kofi Kingston, now working dark matches before pay-per-views instead of working ON them, just because Randy mother humpin' Orton is a whine tit? (Randy deserved our Fat Sack Of Crap Award for so many reasons.) You have Dolph Ziggler, a good looking, well conditioned athlete, who was once a contender for your Intercontinental title, jobbing to a leprechaun. And, your women's division is garbage. It seems that T&A should take a backseat to actual ability, especially in a "PG" world, but that would just make sense. You have Beth Phoenix who can actually perform, but she needs someone to work off of. Off the top of Donnie's head, how about, oh, AMAZING FRIGGIN' KONG?! How is Amazing /Awesome Kong NOT on the WWE roster? Sign her immediately, and put her in a program with Beth Phoenix. But do it right. Lead up to it. Don't just blow your load early with no place to go afterward. These women can make the women's division worth watching again. Donnie would love to have seen Beth and Kong working back in the days of Chyna and Nicole Bass. Throw in some Sensational Sheri, Rockin' Robin, Trish, Lita, Molly Holly and Lisa Marie Varon (Victoria / Tara), and THAT'S an amazing start to a worth-while female roster. (Google them. Then you will realize women in wrestling were not always a joke.)

Speaking of stupid moves by WWE, how the FART do you trade Jim Ross for Matt Stryker? Stryker is just a putz who's full of facts that no one gives a hooker's deep, diseased crevice about. And Donnie can't even hear the punk half the time. SPEAK UP, DOUCHE! Better yet, just go away. (And by the way, anyone who has seen Stryker's pee-pee in his "leaked onto the internets" pictures and thinks he's impressive, has OBVIOUSLY not had the pleasure of peering at Donnie's WANG-DANG-ER.) On the other hand, Ross put so much into his commentary. Emotion. Heart. Wrestling world story telling at it's best. WWE could really use Ross' talent, especially now because, well, let's face it. Raw needs all the help it can get. Case-in-point: Khaluber.

Can you believe this was once the monster that pinned
The Undertaker cleanly using just ONE FOOT?

Later turds,

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Donnie Rants About MySpace

Alright, Donnie is venturing outside his isolated Straight Shootin' pages to make a rare appearance on the GimmeYourHand.com main site. Why? Well, because he decided to rant about MySpace. And if Rex Delaney can spit forth a WWE rant filled with rage, wang swingin' testosterone, and language that would make a sailor shout a "Hail Mary", and if Kylee Wylde can... well... what the hell did she do? Suggested we should all recycle our spoons into "cute" little kitty magnets?! Note to Kylee: grow some balls, honey. With a face like yours, Donnie's surprised you don't already have a set. Or two. Donnie's point is, he has the right to vent just like everyone else.

Here's what's up. MySpace Tom needs to gently suck a nut. That S.O.B. (or whomever he has working for him) loves to censor the crap out of Donnie. Now, when you look as good as Donnie Kendall, have the brains, talent, and impressive manhood like Donnie Kendall, you know people will be jealous and treat you unfairly. But for a social network to filter out everything Donnie tries to share, whether it be pics, videos, or even his Straight Shootin' blog, well that's jacked up. MySpace is pathetic. The name of the mother-humpin' site is "MY SPACE", yet they decide what you should and shouldn't have in YOUR space, the Commie bastards. Donnie gets threatened with account deletion for trying to upload a picture of a Dora The Explorer Aqua Pet (so what if it looks like something Jenna Jamison had lodged in her during her last "uplifting film adventure"), and the same day, some cracked-out looking broad with no clothing, or sense of self respect, offers Donnie a friend request. The whore was fully nude wanting Donnie's friendship... and man-goods. Why do whores get to show their fun bags, but Donnie gets his content deleted? Donnie's videos, pics, and even his blog have been censored by the douche-sucking butt plugs at MySpace.

Donnie's video, the same one found on this site with the old pervert-looking guy eating popcorn and shooting a squeaker, was deleted within an hour of being uploaded to MySpace. All traces of it were even removed from Donnie's feed. Yet, you can still see a picture of a man receiving oral sex that was used as a default pic for a group that one of Donnie's fans joined, even though the group was deleted. Hypocritical? One-sided? Ignorant? BULL PUCKY? Yes. Let's face it. Donnie HAD to end up at GimmeYourHand.com, because he's just too wild and offensive for MySpace and the little mama's boys running it. Does Donnie have a MySpace account? Yup. Does that make Donnie a hypocrite? Nope. It's called free publicity, sugar tits.

In closing, Donnie would like to send a special message to the folks at MySpace. Donnie tried to keep it as clean and sweet as possible, but you went ahead and screwed with him anyway. Maybe you're angry because you realize a zit on Donnie's Forbidden Fanny is still more attractive than you'll ever be. (Not that Donnie has zits on his bum. Donnie gots a sweet tooter.) Maybe you're mad because you suck at life. Whatever the case may be, Donnie hopes you get diddled with an Aqua Pet. We're talking Double Anal.

If you were offended, Donnie has done his job. Now go get bent.

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RAW Is SH!T

Monday Night RAW used to be the place to be for wrestling fans. Monday nights featured superstars who knew how to entertain and give the people what they want. Now however, RAW is the place to be to watch some "celebrity" plug their latest product or cause. Wrestling story lines have to take a backseat to the celebri-whores. Not that the story lines are worth two squirts of donkey piss anyway. You would think a wrestling show that once featured monster trucks smashing cars outside an arena, beer trucks driven to the ring for the sake of blasting people with wacky suds, and (dare I say) a WRESTLING MATCH every now and then would at least be somewhat entertaining today. Sadly, a watered-down, diluted, half-assed attempt at a wrestling product is what passes for WWE programming nowadays. If you don't remember the WWF (not WWE) attitude era, I suggest you run out and rent a pay-per-view from 1998-2000 and compare it to the abortion you currently see on Monday nights. Yes, it was a bit harsh at times, but it made people want to watch. There once was a saying that went, "Anything can happen in the WWF(E)!" Now the saying should be, "You can predict this bullshit weeks in advance!"

The formula for any given episode of RAW is almost as secret as the formula for Coca-Cola, but here it is:

Monday Night RAW Formula = Guest host appears, plugs their crap, gets interrupted. Guest host makes a match that no one cares about because it has been seen a million times. Cram as many lousy ideas and hellacious skits down the fan's throat as humanly possible. (Little People's Court?! Come the FUCK ON!) Throw in a 'Diva's' match that features mostly stripper looking bitches that are about as talented as ass fuzz. Oh, can't forget to include Santino's Comedy Club and the Chavo Moment of Humiliation! Make sure to disrespect Vickie while you're at it. And for the love of god, remember to have Michael Cole tell us a MILLION FUCKING times that we are watching "The longest running weekly episodic television show in history"!! Then, you tease the audience and make them think a new 'star' will be born, but of course that won't happen because we have to see HHH and HBK in every segment acting poorly and about as funny as having your left nut slammed in a car door, trying to sell us more useless merchandise (all while boring the life out of me). Hunter, we get it. You're banging the bosses daughter! You have "Ultimate Power"! Hey, DX! I got TWO WORDS for ya: "GO AWAY!" And finally, end with either a befuddled John Cena in the ring vowing to get back at "the man" for trying to rip apart his dignity, or a shot of a psycho looking Randy Orton who seems to always move slowly as to not squash the gerbil up his ass. AAAAAAAAANNND SCENE! That's it boys! Good show! Let's just keep poppin' 'em out like that Octo-mom!

The December 14 edition of RAW was a 3 hour show, and the crowd was dead silent for practically the whole thing. Vince McMahon came out and said they were a terrible audience, and asked if the crowd had "passed away" before the show started. No Vince, your product probably bored them to death. Just a suggestion: if you don't have enough entertaining content to fill a 2 hour show, don't try to stretch it out to 3 hours. RAW is boring, unfunny, not entertaining, and lame as hell. It's nothing like it used to be. RAW used to be the show no one wanted to miss. Trying to sit through it now is painful. It's hard for the fans to give a shit when it seems like no one in WWE gives a shit. I just want to scream, "FIRE RUSSO!!" But alas, you can no longer blame him for this garbage. Leave the kiddie loving PG shit on Smackdown, and make Monday nights RAW again!

On January 4, 2010, TNA Wrestling (on Spike TV) will run head-to-head against Monday Night Raw (on USA) for the first time. It's just a one time shot for now to test the waters. For the sake of wrestling fans everywhere, I hope TNA pulls big numbers that night. Competition is good. It brings out the best in people. WWE needs to get shaken up a little. Maybe this and the rumored return of Bret "Hitman" Hart (as long as they actually utilize him and not bring him aboard just to bury him) will finally get WWE to pull their heads out of their asses, and get back to what made people watch them in the first place. Chavo in a bull suit getting a frog splash from a leprechaun just ain't cutting it.

Oh, and P.S. Break away ladders now? Lame.

I'm Rex Delaney and if you don't like it, you can kiss my ass! *Peace*

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