Donnie Rants: "Rice Dream" Shenanigans

Today was a long effin' day, and rather than get into all the intricate details, Donnie will just rant about one of the day's incidents in particular. Rice mother-humpin' Dream. Just the name of this rice-based imitation dairy dessert makes Donnie want to slap someone upside the nuts with the business side of his hand. But, since Donnie is lactose intolerant, and because the weather was hotter than a Republican at a Gay Pride Parade, Donnie decided to swing by his local health food store and pick up a fake ice cream bar. A single "chocolate" and nut covered vanilla Rice Dream bar set Donnie back about $1.50 U.S. dollars. While some folks may enjoy the smooth texture of the vanilla filling, or the crispy carob ("fake" chocolate) coating, or even a mouth full of nuts *giggle*, Donnie found this so-called treat, not so awesome. To Donnie, it kind of tasted like it had been stored away in a musty old attic, trapped in the poop-shoot of some 86-year-old dust farter.

Now, Donnie doesn't condone eating and driving, but he was munching away at this ass on a stick while he was ripping up the road with his spiky hair dancing in the wind. Donnie realized there was no way he was going to finish it, so he put the thing back in it's wrapper to chuck it out later on. Then Donnie noticed the nutrition facts for this little gem. Holy. Friggin'. Crap. All Donnie can say is, if you are trying to eat healthy, this is NOT the food for you. Non-dairy does not mean low fat. Donnie will have to do several extra Squat-Thrusts just to work off the couple of bites that experienced the immaculate joy that is Donnie's mouth.

Well, Donnie had a few places to go, so when he reached his destination, he parked the auto, dismissed the Rice Dream Bar, and buried it in a trash bag. When Donnie got back to his car, he noticed there was a huge brown streak on his car seat. Sure enough, that fake Rice Dream chocolate had broken apart and was smeared all over the place. And of course, that could mean only one thing... Donnie swung himself around in a fancy yoga pose that would make Madonna jealous (not the pointy-boob whore from the 80's, Donnie means the current Crypt Keeper looking whore from today), and there Donnie finds a smushy, turd-lookin' blob prominently displayed on his sweet tooter. Yup. Walkin' around all day with what looked like a violent case of the wicked sharts. Well played, Rice Dream. Well played indeed.

"Vogue...Vogue...Vogue...Vogue..."

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You're Eating BUGS!

Cochineal Bugs Invade My Yogurts!

When I was 10 years old, some kid offered me a dollar to eat a bug. I became a dollar richer that day. No, I didn't eat the bug, I kicked the kid in the dick and took his money. Eating insects and other nasty shit wasn't my idea of fun back then, and now that I'm a 23 year old man, it still isn't. But there are deceptive assholes out there allowing the public to devour their products, in which bugs are an actual ingredient, and they don't even have to tell us about it. That's where I come in.

Some artificial colors in the products we consume have been said to cause personality disorders in children, or make some people ill. Because of this, some companies have decided to go back to a "natural" way of tinting foods, drinks, and even some cosmetics. They are using the Cochineal bug, a little critter that has been used to make red dyes since the days of the Mayans. These little bugs are boiled to death, dried, and then the remaining shell, the natch, is crushed to make your strawberry Yoplait that 'cute' pink color. The pulverized bug remains can also be found in products from Ocean Spray, Dole, Sobe, Tropicana, Jones drinks, Robitussin Cough Drops, and many other brands of ice cream, candy, juices, and so on.

Some people may say, "So what. It's just a bug", but even if you don't find it fucking disgusting, there are also other things to think about. This bug can induce Anaphylactic shock in people who are allergic, and that can cause breathing problems, rash, swelling, and more. I would also be extremely pissed off if I was a vegan, obliviously chowing down on dead insects. The FDA has ruled that companies can use this method of coloring their edible products without telling you exactly what you're eating, but they have to list the color as carmine or cochineal extract. The color has also been listed as crimson lake, and natural red.

Just for the record, I was born and raised in Detroit, Michigan, and I grew up on Faygo Red Pop. I am throwing one back as I type this. The Faygo Red Pop contains Red 40, and Red 40 is a red food coloring that is BUG FREE! Check your labels, people, if you don't want to be sucking down bugs in your next cup of yogurt. REVIEW: RED 40 does NOT contain bugs. CARMINE, COCHINEAL EXTRACT, CRIMSON LAKE, and NATURAL RED ARE BUGS!! THEY'RE BUUUUGS!!

I'm Rex Delaney, and don't say I never did anything for you.

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