20 June 2014

Is "Coke Life" The Death Of Coca-Cola?

If you are expecting a family-friendly article, just as sweet as America's favorite soft drink, you came to the wrong place. I'm Rex Delaney, and I enjoy colorful language. With that warning, let's do this.

People nowadays want to whine and bitch about companies like McDonald's and Coca-Cola being too unhealthy. People have actually sued McDonald's for "making their kids fat". Since it's obvious by all the folks on their Rascal Scooters at the supermarket that no one plans to take responsibility for the junk they pile into their own faces, companies have tried to offer "healthier" options. McDonald's is now offering milk instead of sodas, and apple slices in their Happy Meals. They give you Nutritional Information so you can make "smart" choices. If you were able to make a "smart" choice as far as food is concerned, you sure as hell wouldn't be slammin' greasy Big Macs down your cake hole at McDonald's. But I digress. Companies stand to make billions of dollars off the laziness, ignorance, and mass hysteria of today's average consumer. They also risk destroying a legacy that took generations to build.

Coca-Cola also hitched a ride on this "healthier" money train last year when they introduced a new product called Coca-Cola Life in Argentina and Chile. The soda pop is a lower calorie version of the beloved original, and it is sweetened with Stevia, a plant-based sweetener. Coke Life comes in a green container (because we all know green means "Look at me! I'm making a smart choice!"), and is being marketed as a healthier alternative to regular Coke. With Coke Life, you are not getting the cane sugar or high fructose death syrup. You are getting a "naturally sweetened" beverage that has a reported 89 calories per serving instead of the 140 from the Classic. Sure, it's not the zero calories Diet Coke has to offer, but it also doesn't contain Aspartame. I'll leave it up to you to research all of the health concerns and horror stories related to Aspartame. I believe that shit is nothing but poison. Anyway, Coca-Cola plans to sell their Life in Great Britain later this year, and it should make its way to the United States shortly thereafter. But will us Americans embrace it? The image of this American original, all decked-out in red and white, has been burned into our minds since we were children. Will Americans crap all over this green abomination as if it was the idea of Batman being played by Ben Affleck? And will Coke's sales take a hit like McDonald's did when they went "healthier"? You used to know exactly what you were in for when you drove through a Micky D's drive thru, or when you cracked open a can of icy-cold Coke on a summer day. To some Americans, you just don't mess with the classics.

Personally, I think it will be interesting to try Coke Life. I won't guzzle it. But to me, nothing beats a real Coke... in moderation. I think of it as a well deserved treat. It's not the Coke or the McDonald's making people fat; it's the laziness and lack of self control. Have A Coke, not a 12-pack. Have A McDonald's sandwich once in a while, not everyday. Haul your ass off the Walmart scooter, and WALK to the produce department. Sadly, the only thing people seem to use in moderation is common sense.

I'm Rex Delaney, and I don't really think Ben Affleck is all that bad... in moderation.


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